BEAUTY AND THE BEARDS

Devised by Dick Vosburgh and Denis King

A fast paced pocket revue with the accent very definitely on laughter: puns, parodies, anecdotes and satirical songs, wit, wordplay, general nonsense and non-stop banter.  Originally entitled TWO BEARDS AND A BLONDE and featuring Dick Vosburgh and Denis King and Tamzin Outhwaite.

Produced by David Foster for All-Electric Productions. 
Premiere:  20, March 2001, Kings Head Theatre, Islington

CAST

Dick Vosburgh, Denis King, Sarah Redmond

MUSICAL NUMBERS:

ACT 1

• UGLY RUG BALL 
• LET'S DO THE SHOW RIGHT HERE 
• IF 
• SLIVER SCREEN CLICHES
• BEETHOVEN BIOPIC 
• QUESTIONS 
• BLACK BEAUTY
• GUESS THE WELL-KNOWN CHORUS I
• HATE SONGS
• GUESS THE WELL-KNOWN CHORUS 2 
• SMOKE GETS IN YOUR NOSE 
• OLD MAN RIVER as written by Noel Coward 
• OKLAHOMA as written by Brecht and Veill 
• WORLD WAR II IN NINE MINUTES 

ACT 2

• THE HACK BROTHERS 
• STRIP
• GUESS THE WELL-KNOWN CHORUS 3
• SHAKESPEARE MEDLEY
• GILBERT AND SULLIVAN
• COMEDY FILM MEDLEY (Rossini) 
• SILLY SONG MEDLEY 
• ENCORE: BOUTROS BOUTROS OH GOLLY 

KINGS’ COMMENTS:

I don’t think it’s stretching the imagination to equate deciphering the contents of Dick Vosburgh’s briefcase with decoding the Enigma Files, the Rosetta Stone or translating the Dead Sea Scrolls. I once had a rare glimpse inside it at the Red Lion Inn, Stockbridge, Massachusetts on July 23, 2002, 6:52 PM EST, when he opened it to look for his credit card and for the next half hour pulled out an assortment of crumpled paper napkins, old bus tickets, newsagent receipts, cake wrappers and so on, all covered with illegible scrawls. To Dick, it was all buried treasure. Lyrics, jokes, notes, anecdotes, one-liners, puns, a reminder to walk the dog, all hastily recorded on anything handy when inspiration struck, which seemed to be approximately every thirty seconds, judging by the amount of it. Incredibly, he would dive straight through the chaos and, eventually, come up with exactly what he was looking for (although the credit card, which one would have thought more important, he could never find).

The script for “Beauty and the Beards” changed hourly as Dick thought of new puns or topical jokes. While my script was neatly organized in a black ring binder, Dick followed a much more loose-leaf approach. He’d come onstage clutching a black ring binder all right, but pages of all colours and sizes--some typed, some full of scrawls, some folded--sprayed out from it at all angles. Remarkably, though, and contrary to appearances, they were always in the correct running order. On our first night, at the Kings Head Theatre in Islington, with a packed audience of assorted celebrities and press, Dan Crawford, the producer, introduced us (incorrectly, as it happened, as Dick King and Denis Vosburgh). We made our entrance over the applause, me to the piano, Dick to his high stool. As I began the intro to our opening number, Dick, in attempting to place his binder on the music stand in front of him, missed, and there was an explosion of pages as his script rearranged itself over the entire floor of the stage.

This new development appeared to puzzle Dick for a moment. He raised an eyebrow and surveyed the stage. I started to laugh, and launched into a “till ready” vamp as he began his search for Page One. At last Dick stood up, and, scratching his head in bewilderment, addressed the audience.

“Sheesh!” he said. “There must be an opening number here somewhere!”

And brought the house down. Denis King